Thursday, February 26, 2009
I really don't wannt complain and if I ever let anyone know bout this especially the people who know me well last year, they probably won't really understand how I really feel bout my results. I know its already so long but I still have to say what I wanna say. Its not fair that my results are really so bad. I really wish I could really say this out loud to people. But I don't want to complain because I know where I went wrong. Even though I know where I went wrong, its still impossible to get grades that are completely of the unthinkable. I very well know what I was doing. However come to think of it, for me to fail its no surprise. But yet it still haunts me everynight.
I'm living in self-denial, I keep telling myself that somewhere along the line I must've gone wrong to attain such 'wonderful' results. THAT IS TRUE and thats just half the sketch, the other half is telling me that its completely outrages to think that its COMPLETELY my doing of such 'wonderful' results. I mean think bout it, its possible yet so impossible.
I don't wanna blame God for this, on valentine's day I felt His love more than anything in my heart. He's telling me that seeing me like this is making Him feel even more upset than I am. And I did feel His sadness inside me. Sometimes I just wanna ask Him so bad WHAT ON EARTH AM I HERE FOR? WHY DO I EVEN HAVE SUCH IMPOSSIBLE DREAMS? OR WHY DID HE EVEN LEMME FAIL FOR SUCH AN IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE? I can't help it, I feel terrible more than ever now. Its like Im blaming Him for my 'wonderful' results. I'm at my bottomest-pit right now and still living in denial that its all my fault. I wish I could just say it right to someone else's face right now how I feel. But its so horrible that I can't even express it in words. Its so hard for me be able to carry on thinking that I can do this one more time.
Ever since I had my results, I couldn't count like I used to, even my english standards aren't as good anymore. I totally lost everything, lost control. I know its not the end of the world, but I still am clueless of whats gonna happen to me in future. Its like I can only depend on myself, at the same time I cannot fully depend on myself.. I've already lost it.
Like what everyone's been telling me, life is not always smooth sailing. That's life, so maybe God wants me to taste failure at the most important thing of my life since the last 17years of my life was fruitful and exciting. Maybe He wants me to turn to Him even more than ever now than I did before. But unfortunately my faith in Him now is not so constant anymore. Its so low that I just don't feel like talking to Him, asking him for help or crying out to Him. I don't know where to begin, i just don't know where to head to now. I don't even know what to think of now. Because of this i so want to know whats my future. Im dying to know more and more about what may happen in the future. If its something horrible, i'd rather join God in heaven now. Because its really pointless for me to stay here.
I go out with my family and friends showing them the happy side of me, but deep down inside I feel so horrible all the time to fake empty smiles and pointless laughters. I don't want them to feel that kind of sadness in me while its such a happy occasion where we all hang out together. Its so hard to express to them exactly how I feel. I wanna cry it out so much but then again I don't want people to see me cry! I can only share the sadness in me with myself thinking im so useless and a 'good for nothing' child rotting at home. Even my dad calls me useless.. why? because Im bad at finding documents for the family. Ima 'not-good-enough' child. If I cause so much unhappiness to my own family, the more i should want to join God now then to see my family so upset about me. I didn't say they didn't appreciate me, Im just thinking one less in the family should relief their debts a lil'. True?
And when I turned 17, the friends that I held most dear forgot my birthday. It was devastating and completely unforgivable. Instead the friends that were forever by my side since young remembered my special day. At that time im thinking, what have I done to let my friends forget me within less than a year? And when I thought bout it.. I just don't feel like thinking bout it because it hurts soo bad that you just wanna crawl into a wall and hide in there forever.
17years of having fun and it stopped on my 17th birthday, 5 'seven's on my O's script. What does '7' mean? What on earth is God trying to tell me? 7days? months? years? Then I checked the ten commandments the 7th one says 'do not commit adultery', then again its impossible right?! I tried to find many things to do with seven but I just can't.
Now that I've said my heart felt thoughts, I think I should come to a conclusion. I feel something's gonna happen in '7' years time and right now, right here I feel entirely lost. I have to depend on God no matter what but I find it so hard to come back to Him. I know He's waiting but still I can't instantly pretend that none of this happened and move on so easily. I need time to find my way back and pull myself together. Everything I onced dreamed are all shattered and I can only hope for worst things to come. In all my life I honestly never felt so upset before and so down. This time I cannot put aside this feeling I have in me and pretend it all never happened.
Yesterday while at Ingrid's house, we saw a beautiful rainbow, infact we saw 2 rainbows. I guess its God's way of telling me 'there's a new hope in everything' because when I saw that Rainbow I felt peace. So much so that Im still telling myself not to give up just yet and just move on with a cheerful heart.
I thank You Lord for that beautiful rainbow, For your wonderful creations and works!
how i really feel/11:30 PM
